Recently, Supreme Court justice Anthony Kennedy announced his retirement This seems to be causing a celebration, especially from Christian evangelicals and other people with conservative views on religion, politics and society. The celebration may be misplaced because we could be about to lose a good friend. The friend I am talking about is not Justice Kennedy. The friend I refer to is Roe v. Wade and the fight about abortion.

   Since Roe v. Wade made abortion legal across the nation in 1973 it has been our best friend. What am I talking about? Opponents of this judgement have seen this decision as an impediment in the fight to protect human life all these years. With Kennedy’s retirement we could see a strong tilt to the right in the Supreme Court that might finally overturn Roe and end abortion. Well, not exactly, and here is why I think we would lose a great friend if Roe went away. Roe helps us politically, emotionally, and allows us to stop short of the hard work of really tackling a problem.

   Roe has given us great political power. It is easy to stir people up and create political clout by carrying the banner of saving life. We have been able to scare people with the thought that people are out there just waiting for their turn to have abortions like they were waiting in line to get a lollipop at the store. The reality is not true. Abortion is a deeply difficult issue. In many cases it is not a choice taken lightly. Yet we have been able to promote that vision as if we are the last line of defense in a genocidal bent to wipe out an entire generation.I do not think that abortion is the solution to those problems. What I am saying is that there does not seem to be a shortage of people in this country even though abortion is legal.

   Roe helps us avoid strong, emotionally charged, uncomfortable situations. Take for example the situation of Emily and Hannah. Both girls have grown up together in their church. They have been very active in Sunday school and youth group and are loved by all. The congregation was very proud of them when they received their purity rings, each promising aloud to everyone they would wait to have sex until they were married. The girls meant it because the church told them this was right and they loved and felt supported by their church. But, each of them faced a moment when their emotions and hormones became stronger than they knew how to handle.

   Emily loved her boyfriend and, caught up in a moment, had sex. Filled with remorse and shame, she hid what happened and planned to tell no one. However, she soon discovered she was pregnant and faced a dilemma. Remembering the church’s teaching that all life is sacred, Emily decided to have the baby. She confessed what happened and looked for help. While the church was full of “good Christian people,” Emily noticed how she was looked at and treated. Attitudes in the church towards her began to change. Hushed conversations stopped when she went by, if she was lucky. Other conversations were overheard that talked about what a disappointment she was. Emily faced disapproving glances and outright dismissal. Her friends’ parents did not want them to hang out with “that girl.” You see where this is going?

   Hannah’s tale happened at the same time as Emily faced her pregnancy. While she meant to keep her promise, Hannah also found herself lost in the love she felt and physical sensations she had not been taught how to handle. And yes, Hannah too became pregnant. Hannah decided that she should have an abortion. She did not feel like she could face her family, friends, and congregation with what had happened, so Hannah slipped off quietly to a clinic and had an abortion. Hannah tells no one. People in the church continue to sing her praises.  What a treasure Hannah is. Not like that tramp, Emily, who got herself pregnant. If only Emily had been more like Hannah they say. So, Hannah keeps her secret. She wants help but cannot confess to anyone. Hannah is left alone, inside a prison laced with gold on the outside, but black and cold on the inside. I am sure that your church would not act like this, but there are other churches that would.

   You see, legal abortion allows Christians to hide from situations and emotions we do not want to deal with. If Roe V. Wade is overturned, it might cause us to face our hypocrisy in our call to protect life. Because protecting life goes far beyond conception. Protecting life goes on for life. We want to claim that we are pro-life. If that is true then we have to stick it out the whole way. Do you disagree? That is fine. Just remember that when you talk about how “welfare moms” need to stop having kids. Remember that fear of death when we think about homeless children being exploited in the country because there is no one to take care of them. These situations bring up strong feelings and strong emotions. They are uncomfortable and we look for something to make them go away. Being able to ignore them while we focus on the battle over abortion helps us to find a space away from these and other issues.

   Roe gone does not solve the “problem of abortion.” Making abortion illegal will not mean abortions no longer happen. The church can walk away and claim victory. Yet, the reality will be that all we have really done is driven a problem underground. You see, there were unwanted pregnancies and abortions before 1973. Overturning Roe v.Wade does not solve the issue of unwanted pregnancies and questions about what it truly means for us to be Pro-Life. It does mean we can shout, “We Won” and then stick our head in the sands, pretending there is nothing else to do. And sticking your head in the sand standing up presents an awful picture.

   If we truly do see Roe v. Wade overturned in the coming years, watch out. We might suddenly have to face an issue rather than try to cover it up. On second thought, maybe having our head in the sand standing up would be a good thing. Sometimes the church needs a good swift kick to get it on track.

Hello, long time no talk. I know, I know. I had all kinds of grand ideas when I started out but they fizzled pretty quickly. You see I got lost. Lost in what you say? Well that is a long list and not one I am going to walk through at the moment. So how are you? Life been treating you well?

Ever had that awkward conversation with someone who you have been meaning to talk to but have not taken the time get it done? No, this is not one of those “talk to your loved ones before they are gone” kind of speeches. It is more about how we deal with the word failure. You see I am embarrassed about not keeping up on my blog idea. That has been part of the “lost” that I was talking about.  It has kept me away. Or rather, I have used it as an excuse to not face up to what I see as a failure.

Facing failure is hard. And part of that difficulty is that failure is hard to define because it is a concept developed by a multitude of people. For example, getting a 65 on a test would probably get you a grade of F. So that is failure. But what if the first time you took the test you got a 35? You are improving. Can the 65 then be defined as a success? I high school one time I got a 69 on a history test. (OK, not the only time I got a low grade on a test but we are about to digress here and I want to stay on topic.) Anyway, I got a 69 on the test. So I failed. But EVERYBODY in the class got a lower grade that I did. I received the first place trophy in failing grades. (Or would that be last place since I almost passed?) The teacher decided to “curve” the grade. Therefore I was given 31 extra points to bring my grade up to 100. Everyone else got 31 points as well. Now my grade was 100. Did that mean that I was a success in knowing the knowledge we were supposed to show on the test?

So how do we address failure? The definition might be different in the same conversation between two people because of our expectations. You expected me to meet you at 6pm. I stopped to rescue your cat out of a tree. Because of that I arrived at 6:15. I failed to make the appropriate time. I fulfilled my sense of right in the world. So what is the truth?

I think the problem we face is that we confuse “having” and “being”. I have failed in something verses being a failure. And therein lies the problem. When we fail at something we have a chance to learn and grow. When we are a failure we give up on the possibility of growth.

Funny, I really did not know what I was going to write when I sat down here. I felt like I needed to offer an apology for having been away from this so long. But as I started writing this thought kind of flowed forth. And in so doing I learned a little something about the maze I have been/still are lost in. So hey! Learning moment for me. Thanks for helping me sort this out

So yeah, I really want to start writing this again. And sadly for you, I am probably going to ramble away. But maybe there is something familiar to you in the maze. Maybe this helps. Maybe this really is weird. Maybe this makes no sense. I said when I started the blog this was “an attempt to learn and empty my head at the same time.” So I am going to call this post “not a failure.” Exciting actually. It causes one to look up in the world. Of course sometimes that means when I round the next corner I might miss the hole……<Someone get me a flashlight and a rope! We can talk after I climb back up.>

You have to watch the video for “Away from the Sun” by the band Three Doors Down for some of this to make sense. If you have not watched it yet then go ahead. I will wait……

I love this video. I loved the song when I heard it and the video when I saw it. It makes me cry. The band said the song represents the struggles and burdens that we all carry as we try to climb the mountains of life. They noted that you never see the boy make it to the top because no one is guaranteed that we can make it all the way up. I see the video and song a little more personally than some others. That is because I see a more specific struggle in the song. I see myself and I see the darkness of my depression. And at times, I wonder if I will ever see the sun.

I struggle with depression. At least on my best days I do. Other days I suffer from depression. Suffering from depression means it has kicked your tail and you are lost in the dark. Struggling with depression means you have the will to know that your “monster” does not get the last word. At least that is the way I look at it.

The first time I heard this song I felt “away from the sun.” The song seemed to capture exactly what I was thinking. Things can seem rather dark when you are pulled down in the hole. The sun can seem like a distant dream and you wonder if anyone realizes where you are. And the struggle to climb up can seem lonely, difficult and fraught with peril.

The chorus begins with the line “now again I‘ve found myself so far down”.  It is strange how you can just wander into the dark. Everything seems fine and then suddenly, here you are and no one knows. There are often people who care a great deal about you but being in the dark has a funny way of tricking you into thinking that they are not there. When you are able to still struggle, you just hope to find a way to communicate your despair to them. When you are suffering, you just cannot believe they would want to waste their time.

So yes, I struggle. And I know the weights that drag me back. I have my own harness, tied to rocks, that makes the climb tough. I put a link to this video on my Facebook page. I did this because it helps me in the moment. Do NOT send a bunch of –“hang in there” or “just let it go and it will be alright” comments to me. If you feel the need for a hang in there moment then find a cute picture of a kitten clinging to a string and send it to yourself. It might brighten your day. And if you need to let it go then check out the Disney page. I am sure that Elsa is over there somewhere. (That might be a little harsh, sorry about that.)

But if any of this means anything to you then look for those around you who are away from the sun and just be with them. I do not want to be carried up the hill. I just want someone who is willing to keep me company on the climb.

I was living on the Eastern Shore of Virginia in 2001. I remember as I was driving along the radio announcer saying that normally he does not encourage people to stop listening to radio and go watch television, but people had to go see what was going on in New York where a plane, believed to be a small one at that time, had flown into the World Trade Center. I was listening to it as I stopped in to see my mother in Norfolk. Just before I walked into her house I heard them say a second plane had hit the towers. I remember standing in her living room looking at the television and watching the replay. The announcers were trying to determine what type of plane it was, but I knew. Having grown up under the landing pattern for the airport I knew a passenger plane when I saw one. The outline of the plane in the smoke was undeniable. That is not an accident. One plane maybe but definitely not two.

I drove on to my meeting in Williamsburg. We were supposed to be talking about other church things but all we could talk about was what we knew of events in New York. One tower fell before I got there. The other fell while we were talking. We said our goodbyes to each other, made calls back to our homes and left. When I went to cross the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel I was stopped by police. They were checking all the cars and asking why we were going across. I told them I was headed back home. I think it helped that I was wearing my EMS shirt. It was a present for passing my EMT exam. I knew right then that something had changed in the world.

The next day I was talking to one of the firefighters in town. We were talking about scene safety and our first lessons in firefighter school. There was a moment when we said that they should have made sure that it was safe enough to go in that there had to be something they did not do that caused so many to die. But we were looking to make sense of something unexplainable, something we could not get our minds around. And then he looked at me and said, no, if we had been there we would have gone in too.

Let me be clear that I am telling my account of that day. In no way would I begin to compare myself to those who responded to that awful situation. Those who ran in while others ran out. I have too much respect for them. And there was a time when we were proud of them and respected them too. We have posted the pictures, written poems and songs in their honor, hailed them as heroes and promised we would never forget their sacrifice. Candidates have made whole campaigns out of their support for the heroes of 9/11. Every time a politician needs a boost they pass some act to honor our first responders by building a monument, statue, or discount day at the ballpark.

The problem is that it is all just a lie. The heroes of 9/11 are great for a photo op. But then they are pushed out the back door like some cheap hooker that served as arm candy for the ball but you do not want people to see beyond that. Because these heroes are dying. They are dying, not because that is the inevitable process of life. They are dying because they ran in while others ran out. And what they ran into was a cloud of poison.

Multiple studies have shown an alarming increase in the presence of cancer in those exposed to that cloud that lingered at ground zero while they went through the rubble bucket by bucket. They need our help. They are suffering and this is the opportunity for us to rush in and saved those who saved so many of us. Sadly, the same congressmen and women who fought for photo ops turned their backs when they were needed the most.

Have you heard about the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act? It is designed to provide health care for first responders and survivors who were exposed to toxins in the air at ground zero. Obvious thing to pass, right? Do you know that it was only after public shaming, especially driven by Jon Stewart through his role as host of the Daily Show that the bill was passed in 2010? The Bill was funded for 5 years while they made sure there was a link between the cancer and the air or that people would not cheat the system. They found there is a link and there was no fraud. And yet the Bill is about to run out of funding. The votes are there to pass it but some of the leadership does not want to bring it up. Or they are using it as a bargaining chip in the political games that make our government so dysfunctional.

When I was a kid I was taught that heroes were someone you looked up to and admired. Apparently in today’s world, we might look down and notice them as we step on them to reach higher for ourselves. Want to say that it is all about those people in government? It is not. Abraham Lincoln, in the Gettysburg addressed ended with a reference to “that government of the people, by the people, for the people…” The government is us. I know people want to say that this party or that party does not play by the rules. That all our problems can be placed on those other people. But we are the people of this country. So we need to speak and be heard. Remind your representative that when we say we will never forget it is not a catchy slogan. It is a promise. Tell them to pass the Zadroga Act now. Because we are running out of heroes. Heroes who need someone to run in for them.

Did you know there is such a thing as a weeping pine? I never knew. I knew about weeping willows. Yet I found this tree that hung like a weeping willow but had pine needles on it. I am not a tree expert by any degree. I know the trees to which I am alergic. (The answer is all of them.) Pine trees I get because we get one each year for Christmas. Weeping willows I know because, well they are weeping. So I had to go figure this out. So looking online I found that there are about twenty versions of weeping trees. They are not natural but they are pretty. So why the conversation about trees? Give me a minute and I will explain.
 This week I have been away at a conference in North Carolina. It has been a great experience with some great people. Yesterday we were watching a video by a Dewitt Jones. Dewitt spent 20 years as a photographer for National Geographic Magazine. In the video he asks us to consider where do we focus our vision. Sometimes we can miss a shot because we were not willing to give time for the right shot to present itself. Other times we get the picture too quickly and do not step back to consider what we have and what the focus of the picture should truly be. So it sounds like a lot of photography talk and in one sense it is. But it also works as a conversation about life as well.
 I did not really think to much about the video anymore until I was coming back from dinner tonight. A group of us had gone to a restuarant near the hotel. As I was walking back I started trying to focus on what was around me. Or better said, I began to let my focus go. I tried to just open my eyes, disengage my brain and see what might pop up. That is when I found the weeping pine. I had walked past it several times in broad daylight but missed it completely. Yet here, in the dark, it found me. It made me stop and wonder. First I was wondering what kind of tree it was. Next I was wondering how I had missed it. It is pretty in its own way. Then I began to wonder if anyone else wonders about these things or am I truly the nut my family knows I am. Finally I began to wonder what else I had missed.
 We get focused on the tasks ahead of us. We focus on getting to the next thing. We focus on all the things that we need to do to have a life. And in the midst of that I wonder how much of life we have missed. What are the unusual, the different the bits of life that we pass by as we are trying to pursue life as we know it.  Ok, so this is hardly an original question. There is always someone out there telling us that we must truly step back and take time to smell the roses. We need to paddle our boat to the riverbank and step out, sit down and watch the stream go by. There are many other sayings that you have heard as well. The problem is that there is so much to do there does not seem to be time to stop. I know I have been feeling that way. And it seems like if I try to step away for a little bit, things get worse and I have more to deal with. So how am I suppose to stop and smell some stupid flowers that are going to make me sneeze anyway. (First, I am allergic to a lot of things. Second, to my wife, the flowers I give you on Valentines day are not the stupid ones….. Looks like someone will be buying pretty rocks in Febuary.)  But back to the question, how do I take the time to see what is around me? Well, everyone is different, so there is not a one size fits all answer. But I guess we need to lose our focus for a little bit. Whenever people tell me to relax and take a break it just sounds like more work. But to allow a moment to come upon me when I can let go of my focus for just a minute is a moment I have to grab. It might reveal some great truth. I might make me frustrated that nothing is showing up on my schedule. It might just make me late to the next thing. It might just rattle around it my head until I put in on a blog and wait for someone looking for great insight to find that I have just dumped my brain on the keyboard. But I figure that if you were here reading this then maybe you were either interested in weeping pines or you had a minute to quit focusing on what you had been doing to stop and figure out what this was. And If that revealed some great truth to you then this was well worth your time. But if you got in trouble because your boss caught you reading this instead of working, well at least it was not a waste of my time.

So you stumbled across this site, what have you found? Well, you have found an attempt to learn and empty my head at the same time. And I am giving you an invitation to make the journey with me. That is important because this doesn’t really work if I do this alone. Some people make blogs to put forth an agenda, or teach people about something that the author thinks is important. I am not trying to do any of those things. I am hoping to put some thought out in the world, the things that rattle around in my head. Hopefully they will invite you to think and reflect on something. And maybe be entertained at some moments along the way. You may agree with what I say or disagree. Either one is great. as long as you have thought about it first. We have way to many knee-jerk reactions to issues facing the world today. Those are not helpful. It seems to me that we have forgotten how to think or maybe better said, we have forgotten how to dream.

Since this is my first time doing something like this I ask you to indulge me with this covenant. Covenant is defined  by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “a written agreement or promise usually under seal between two or more parties especially for the performance of some action.” I say covenant because we have to agree together. I will post once a week on some topic of my choosing. I will remember that my sense of humor does not always translate across written words so I attempt to clarify when I am trying to be funny. (Whether or not you find me funny is entirely up to you.) You, the reader, have to agree to give me some room to adapt as I go forward. This is a learning process after all. When you respond to something, I am looking for a reflective response. Not the knee-jerk thing. If you are offensive, vulgar or abusive I will pull you off the site and block you. I don’t have time for that and quite frankly neither do you. You have been given a brain to use for a reason, do not waste it.

So, with some apprehension, here we go.